I don’t know why, but last night as I was walking my dog all of a sudden I got a rush of fear. Trying to pinpoint that fear is not easy. Is it the fear of losing the rest of the little money I have, while in a foreign country thus disabling me from leaving?
Is it the fear of loss of control of the rest of my life? Is it a fear of not having the perfect lodging, food, tours for my guests? Is it a fear of the unknown? Is it simply confusion over not knowing what I’m doing?
I think it’s a combination of factors, but mainly:
- Fear of the Unknown
- Lack of confidence in providers
Generally speaking, actually let me correct that, every single time I have had fear in the past I stopped doing what was causing the fear. In other words, I stayed in my itsy bitsy teeny weeny little box I created for myself.
Because it was more comfortable. But, what has that comfort brought to me in my life?
Nothing. Not one little teeny weeny thing.
I started reading the book Feel the Fear… and Do IT Anyway by Susan Jeffers oh, 6 months ago. Like most other things I only read the first chapter or two and forgot about it in the deep abyss of my kindle. However, all the other books I started to read to make me a better me must have had something that stuck in my brain. Because in these past 3 months of truly deciding that the only way I was going to make a life for myself for the rest of my life was to remember this:
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.
I don’t want to keep getting what I’ve always been getting, so I need to stop doing what I have always done. In other words, I have to stop running away from fear.
While I was walking my dog with my partner I recognized that I felt fear. I tried in those 10 minutes to understand why I felt it, and finally I decided a glass of wine outside to talk it through was my best bet at being able to sleep. I asked my partner if he would like to have a glass of wine – which, let it be known I have been trying to shun – with me.
Being in Italy, we decided upon a great red wine (Volpolicella) and talked it out. It turns out that maybe instead of fear, I was feeling extreme frustration at two things.
The first was about my logo. On July 16th I met with a logo designer to have the logo I created be updated. I needed it to be more crisp on websites (not pixelated like it currently was). Yesterday was August 21st and still no logo. The reason: Ferragosto.
Secondly was the tour Program. On July 18th I met with a tour company to come up with an itinerary and costs for the tours I want to provide to my guests. He said within a couple weeks it would be done. We called a week or so later with no answer/no return call. We sent email with no response. We met with a coworker who said she would have the itinerary/pricing for me in a week. We called – no response. The reason: Ferragosto.
So, we called another person we met in July who works for himself. We were supposed to meet him tomorrow, but the Princepessa (Princess – there are no princes/princesses/kings/queens anymore, but in Italy they are stuck in the middle ages at times) trumps us, and then they are leaving for Finland for 2 weeks. The reason: Ferragosto.
I need an employee who works when I tell them to, not when they feel like it.
These two items are making me feel I am running out of time. I have rented an enormous old medieval home for this purpose. I move in on October 1st and I want to be ready to work. Maybe I don’t even do tours, and just use the house as a Bed & Breakfast (even though I cannot, by Italian law, call it a B&B), and add on tours if & when someone wants one. I don’t know – I’m quite confused on this part.
As far as fear is concerned, I still feel that in addition to the frustration. But everyday I accomplish something, and I don’t let that fear stagnate me. Because I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.