Life

Caked On Makeup Metaphor

I suppose you might like to know what the purpose of my starting this blog is, and furthermore, why I chose the name Caked On Makeup.

First, let me introduce myself. I’m Kimberly in real life – Sasha when I’m being funny, and I’m happy to meet your acquaintance. I just turned an age that has a zero at the end, so I’ve lived a bit of life. I started out in a gypsy-like family so it seems to me now, who moved every two years. Big moves. Something like from Chicago to Dallas to Houston to Tennessee. I think my father was looking for nirvana, and somehow he found it driving a big rig. Or he never found it. I don’t really know.

love-05I joined the Navy to get out of Tennessee and the future my parents said that would look like me being barefoot and pregnant with three hillbilly kids. They knew I could have more – when you’re 18 years old you don’t know any better. I was stationed in Sicily, then I became a Cryptologic Technician and was stationed in Virginia and then Hawaii where I met my future ex-husband and I got out of the Navy. My future ex-husband and I moved to Florida where we got married and had a daughter. He also adopted my son from a previous mistake of a sociopathic husband. All this happened by the time I was 27 years old.

We had a good life for about 12 years. He was my life. I loved him dearly.

And then, we moved to a Seattle suburb for his sea duty on an aircraft carrier, the USS John C Stennis (CVN-74 if I remember correctly). That stupid ship was gone ALL. THE. TIME. My son was 16 years old and my daughter was turning 10 years old when we moved there. I managed to get a BS in Business Administration with a major in MSIS and a minor in Accounting from Oklahoma State University during my future ex-husband’s previous aircraft carrier duty (USS George Washington CVN-?? ). So, I moved from Virginia and Maryland and Department of Defense technology work (I was in IT: Programming, testing, and technical support) to Seattle’s high-tech vibe.

I quickly found how stupid I was. I could NOT compete with high tech, I had no experience in it. I had a couple contract jobs doing Software Quality Assurance, which worked well for me, but being a contractor leaves you feeling left out. It wasn’t my cup of tea, though the money was good. Then I landed a full-time permanent technical support position which morphed into a work-from-home job because my working hours did not mesh well with the ferry schedule. BINGO!

And then….

2008 happened.

In the middle of January 2008 I received a phone call that said I could continue to work until the end of January, but after that, I am without a job. They gave me no real reason. They said they prefer to have someone who can be in the office every day. Why? This is IT work for crying out loud!!

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I found another job in March as a Systems Analyst, which is what I always wanted to do with my career, back in the ease of Department of Defense. Except it was anything but easy. The atmosphere was stifling, grey, no windows, lots of control, and NO training to teach me to become a systems analyst. They knew I wasn’t one, and they said they would teach me, and I asked and asked and asked. But, two months later, in May 2008, my manager came to me and said they put me in a terrible position for which there was no way to win. They said they had no money to pay the contract (yes, it was another contract position), and they would give me 10 minutes to get my things before they escorted me out of the building. This was the LAST job I have had.

Throughout these layoffs, my son was disappearing for days at a time, he dropped out of school, and God only knows what he was doing. My daughter became a lazy little girl who refused to listen. She learned to play her father and me to get what she wanted. The house went into foreclosure. My future ex-husband also said to me, “What if the Navy finds out? I’ll lose my clearance and then what?” Better than losing your life, I’d retort. He cared, so it seemed to me, only for himself and his career. It didn’t seem like he cared anything at all about the stress I was going through trying to raise two kids without him and my $110,000 student loan debt with no job. He went to school for free, for some reason all he could remember were bills that were in his name, none that were in my name. I’m getting started. I’ll stop.

In order to try to make a little income, I purchased a travel agency franchise in April 2009. Actually, it was a cruise franchise. Big Mistake. A lot more money spent than earned. Another hope dashed. At the end of 2009 we moved to Jacksonville, FL, but by that time my future ex-husband had become passive-aggressive. He wouldn’t say anything for days, then all of a sudden he would be euphoric. I would be excited, he’s back! Then the next day he’d be back to his passive-aggressive new self. In 2011 I filed for divorce, and 3 weeks later it was a done deal.

These past 5 years have been supremely difficult for me. My daughter almost immediately began to misbehave. She was talking back to me more. I sat her down one day and said we can have a good time or a bad time, it’s your choice. She chose the latter. She barely graduated high school and decided to go to the same university I went to. The last time I saw her was in May of 2013. She decided she wanted a new mommy, so she got married last year without telling anyone. Just after that she quit talking to me. Update: My daughter and I have now been communicating since maybe December. That’s good news!

scam-defMy son came to live with me in June 2013 because he was the victim of a Craigslist scam and had no money to pay for anything anymore. I invited him to come live with me until he gets back up on his feet. He had a difficult time getting a job because of his background check – he had an altercation with some girl in Seattle while they were drunk or high or whatever. She pressed charges and he didn’t have money for an attorney so he pled guilty. He gets this job at McDonald’s, and then a month into it oversleeps. They had a zero tolerance policy for lateness. He was fired. For the next six months, he sat in his chair drinking all my wine all night long playing video games. I finally told him that it wasn’t working for him here, and is it possible for him to return to Seattle? He said yes, and the next day my then ex-husband bought his ticket. He left at the end of February 2014. I haven’t seen him since. He has never called me.

Neither child of mine says Happy Birthday or Happy Mother’s Day – Krystina called me the day after this year. Better late than never, but best is on the day. In my time-zone. But both are with my future ex-husband. Funny, how their entire lives they complained bitterly about that man. And in the end, both are with him.

Purpose of this Blog: Basically it’s my place to rant, rave, learn, teach, share, and anything that’s on my mind. Lately, it’s about trying to start a business in Italy, because it seems impossible to find a well-paying job (meaning more than $15 an hour) that will pay rent, utilities, insurance, car, et cetera. In other words, at X0+ years old, I just expect to be able to live. But my last three to four years all I’ve been doing is surviving. The past two years I haven’t even had a place to live. The past six months, not even a bed to sleep in. I digress again…

The real purpose is to be therapeutic. I want to be able to write a story without my heart rate monitor telling me I’m in the fat burning zone!

Why the name Caked On Makeup? Well, one day my daughter and I were at lunch in Jacksonville and some lady walked in with all this caked on makeup. It was ridiculous. She was like a Tammy Faye Baker wannabe… As soon as I saw her I set up a twitter account called @cakedonmakeup and a Facebook page named the same thing. These were just for fun.

But, it has occurred to me recently that I like this analogy: Everyone’s life is layer upon layer of psychology. What happened good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and/or repeatedly? These things make us who we become later in life. I’ve had a tremendous dose of psychological layering throughout my entire life. My goal, now that I’m X0+, is to try to peel some of these layers back so I can move on and become the person I know I was supposed to become.

Therefore, Caked On Makeup is about removing some layers of makeup, or masking. I like it.

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